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I don't know where this comes from but I found it at Weight Watchers today. I read it to the meeting. I had to share it. Enjoy.
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Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No,
not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE
NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO – Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND…..
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on
nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
I really hate to do this to you; after all, for four years you’ve been so loyal and supportive and helpful and all. However, a guy’s gotta make a livin’, you know? And — especially in an economy like this — I gotta make hay when the sun shines, fly when the wind is beneath my wings, strike while the iron is hot. In effect, it’s time to move on.
However, since we’ve been together and shared so much, I think I owe you an explanation. Gather round my feet and hear my tale.
I have learned to only weigh myself once a week. You see, before I became enlightened, I would jump on the scale several times a day. First thing out of bed, I’m on the scale. Drink a few cups of coffee? Better check again. Twenty minutes of walking? See the effects on what I weigh.
It was a non-stop roller coaster of ups and downs, frustration and exhilaration. But, I’m thinking — just an idea — it’s a touch obsessive when you’re spending more time monitoring your weight than day-traders check the stock market. I could be wrong; but I’m not thinking so.
So, what to do? After all, one of the keys to successful habit change is to monitor on a regular basis (albeit that does not mean “minute by minute”). And then the idea comes to me, I will allow myself one “unofficial” weigh-in per week. Since I weigh myself on a calibrated scale at my meeting each Monday afternoon, I will only weigh myself at home on Monday mornings. That way, I can “calibrate” my scale with the other one and should I not be able to attend my meeting, I’ll still be able to see how I’m doing. Brilliant, just brilliant, even if I do say so myself.
Over time, I learned that the difference between my scale and the calibrated one is five pounds. In other words, if I weigh 180 on my scale (which I usually do), my “real” weight is 185. (I’d rather it be the other way, but ‘tis what ‘tis.)
OK, so here’s what happens.
Two weeks ago, I get on my scale and, lo and behold, I weigh 177! Wow! Way righteously cool! That means my ORW (Official Real Weight) will be 182, the number I’ve been shooting for for the last several months! Hallelujah! Praise the saints! Glory be! I’m dancing in my skivvies (please don’t focus on that image too long), exhilarated by the prospect of achieving my goal — at least until I weigh in formally in the afternoon, where the ORW is still 184.
“Say what?” I ask the scale, “My home scale said 177. You should be reading 182. What gives?” Defiant, it merely reflects stoically the flashing red LED. There is no arguing with the scale. I am a broken man when I come to the realization that my scale is now off by seven pounds instead of five.
Fast forward to last week’s Monday morning ritual. After a week of passing up all sorts of goodies, determined to reach my happy place of 182. Today, the scale Gods smile upon me yet again. Today’s number? 175! Add seven (not five) and one reaches the magic land of 182. Repeat skivvies dance. Repeat praise to the heavens. Repeat disappointment as again, I weigh 184.
Then it dawns on me!
I'm out of town right now, specifically, I'm speaking at a foster parent conference in Yakima, WA so I'm eating out every meal. I do pretty well when I'm out of town. I've discussed that before. Anyway, I'm by myself and the waitress comes over to me. Overall, she was close to excellent. She was fast and very friendly. She got the order right. She even laughed at my jokes.
Her: "Can I get you anything else?"
Me: "Peace in our lifetime."
Her: <chuckle> "My shift ends too soon."
Me: "Big tip if you can do it."
Her: <chuckle again>
However, if you're a waitress and you're reading this posting, I have a piece of advice to you from countless folks, who I'm sure all share this opinion:
Today’s winner of the no-duh award goes to the Kaiser Permanente study that found out that keeping a food diary doubles diet weight loss. OK, that’s a little mean because it is a valid study, but it shows that people who keep food diaries lose more weight than people who don’t. At WW, diaries, journals, or “quick track systems” as they’re now called, have been a staple of the program since I joined in 1971.
There was a also a study not too long ago that said that the reason so many people gain weight — or at least don’t lose it — is because people who DO NOT keep track of their fod intake tend to underestimate how much they eat. The New England Journal of Medicine said they eat by
as much as 47 percent more then they think they are eating and overestimate physical activity by as
much as 51 percent That’s an amazing statistic when you think of it.
Let’s say one only underestimates her intake by 25%. I mean that’s still a lot but less than the maximum. The average woman needs about 1200 to 1500 calories to maintain her weight. (To use a calculator to figure out what you need — your BMR — go to this post.) So, if she’s off by 25%, that’s about 300 to 400 calories a day. Since it takes 3500 calories to put on a pound, she’ll be putting on a pound about 10 days! (Sound familiar?)
By tracking what you eat, you become conscious and aware. That unto itself tends to slow down what you eat. (Even after maintaning my weight as long as I have, I still keep a food diary.)
So, what’s the comment in the headline about “dying young?”
I summed up my life in a conversation with my sister a few months ago.
"How are you?" she asked.
"I’m working hard at relaxing," I replied without thinking of the implications.
That sums me up, "Working hard at relaxing." Wrong on so many levels.
At our WW meetings this week, we’ve been talking about the excuses some of us use to avoid exercising. They run the range (and I’m well versed in most of them):
- It’s boring
- Takes too much time
- It’s too cold/hot/windy/wet…
- I’ll get sweaty
- I don’t have a partner
- It hurts
(My favorite was, "I can’t go out and do my exercises because I’ll miss my Weight Watchers meeting.")
Of course, the number one rule of the universe, "If you want to get somewhere else, you have to do something else" raises its ugly little head whenever excuses pop up. In other words, if I want to be healthier/thinner/more fit, I have to do something I’m not doing right now. Why? Well, obviously, what I’m doing right now put me where I am right now. As much as I hate it, I have to change.
The question at hand is, "How do you take an already busy life and cram even more things into it?" I mean, it’s not like the remainder of your chores and tasks will simply disappear and allow you to add 30 minutes a day of walking.
So what do you do?
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Last week, I posted about my experience with my new trainer. Obviously, in light of the video and photo on the post I posted, it was done tongue-in-cheek, but it did hit some concerns that I think many of us in the "non fitness circles" have about activity.
What have I learned in my lengthy (12 days) career of working out with a trainer?
Sometimes it doesn’t feel funny to be losing weight. Sometimes, you just gotta laugh. I found a great site to help keep your spirits up while your waistline is (hopefully) going down. Check out http://www.dietjokes.co.uk/
I don’t believe black and white statements, such as the title of this post, are ever helpful. I also believe they are rarely accurate. However, I bet — if you’re like me and seem to go crazy right before bed time — a title such as that got your attention and I think this post will be of use to you. So, what better way to bring you in?
I’ve said consistently that if I went to bed five minutes earlier, I be 50 pounds thinner. Just last week, I fell asleep on the couch (something I rarely do) and when I woke up to go to bed, made a quick 400 calorie pit stop in the kitchen. I mean, what’s that all about?
So, anyway, at our last WW meeting, we’re discussing visualization (which WW likes to call "Mental Rehearsing"). One of the members in the meeting, who’s doing very well these days, had just received an award for losing 35 or 40 p0unds. As I’m prone to do, I asked her, "So, what’s changed for you?"
She said, "I’m controlling my late night eating."
"How?" I asked; after all it’s my duty to spread the knowledge. "Please share."
When someone says they have good news and bad news for you, are you one of the people who likes to hear the good news first or the bad news first? I’m one who prefers to get the bad news out of the way. Then, I have something to look forward to. So, since it’s my blog, I’ll give you the bad news first.
The Bad News
I’m up about four pounds over the last few weeks. You know how it is, a little sloppiness here, a bit of roughness around the edges there, guests, holidays, travel, trying to get everything done around the house. I stopped walking and riding my bike as often as I was. It just all piled up. I say my priorities are my health, but then I let that slip away by putting on a few pounds.
I’ve been on this road enough times to know not to beat myself up. Jeeze! If that worked, I’d be skinny as a toothpick. So, I’ve got a plan.
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